omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
