I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
