At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
