dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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