I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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