I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
