I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
