dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
