I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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