The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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