No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
It was confusing and full of hummus
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
