Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
