i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
false alarm, still single
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