I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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