I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
