she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
