at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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