I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
