Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
