Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
