I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I forget how to act sober
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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