When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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