Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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