not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
soo... how was my night?
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