The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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