I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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