I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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