overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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