how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
