I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
