i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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