If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
