i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
