we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
