he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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