Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
