first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
