Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
