Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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