my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
