Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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