We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
