Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
