just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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