Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
