What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
