I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
