he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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