Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
