apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
