A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
