She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
only you would photoshop your dick
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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