Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
